This here newfangled gadget...

I'm gonna talk about video games here for a moment and I'd like to pretend that everyone else in the entire world is 27 years old and is on the same page as me. You remember, right? Arcade-style games took the scene first, then the Commodore line (I barely remember that); you had your Atari then your Nintendo. Mario Brothers. Not Super Mario Brothers, the ORIGINAL fucking Mario Brothers. You remember up up down down left right left right B A start. You do! The controller was integral to the game. Remember joysticks? I mean who the fuck uses joysticks anymore? The hardware was your portal to the game itself. You could cradle it in your hands and through it, like some prophet spouting the word of god, you could command the creatures on the screen to obey your orders. It was almost spiritual.

Then the Wii came out. I hate the Wii. The Wii is not fun to me and further, it doesn't make any sense. Sure, the hardware is still there, but now I have to fight with this console comprehending my movements in an appropriate way. And if it doesn't? Then I have to tailor my movements to it. No siree, I don't like the Wii.

Now this monster. No controller required? What the fucking fuck? This isn't fucking virtual reality, which is where games were supposed to go -- where you could be completely immersed in a 3-D holographic environment and move within it. This is NOT that. This is fucking morons jumping at their goddamn TV (we still use TVs, right?). This is not real. I couldn't play this. It's bizarre, a twisted contortion of a madman's dreams. I refuse to entertain the idea that a console game can be played without a fucking controller. Get this shit out of my world.

And so now I'm like, great. I'm old. I'm fucking old. Right? Like you kids and your gameboys and your cellular telephones and your central heating. Why back in my day we threw rocks at each other for fun and two cans and a string were good enough for us to communicate and when it got cold, we burned minorities to generate heat. Like this is me now. I don't understand the new technologies coming out and I don't like them!

Now if I could just find my cane and dentures...