Congratulations, parents! You've managed to reproduce, a rare feat that is only accomplished perhaps once by a small percentage of the population! You're special. You're unique. You deserve a parking space closer to the entrance to stores because you're just so fucking great and head-and-shoulders above everyone else!
Wait, everything I just said is bullshit! Reproduction is neither rare nor unique nor even fucking difficult! Neither you, nor your crotchspawn are a beautiful and unique fucking snowflake, ok? And the only way your child is a "miracle" of any sort is if, perhaps, the doctor said that it would be physically impossible for you to reproduce. If you think reproduction is so fucking special, then every cell in your body deserves a fucking medal, ok?
You had a kid (and fairly inefficiently, at that). Even cats are more efficient at it becuase they have litters of kids, all in one go (most from different fathers - beat that!). Human reproduction is actually quite inefficient compared to other species, yet at the same time we're still astoundingly good at it.
The point I'm trying to make -the point- is that sperm reaching the egg is not a rare feat by any measure, and in fact it's so frequent that we've actually developed ways to prevent it! That's like being proud for getting a fucking sunburn. "Well hey, I didn't wear sunblock and now I'm red! I'm AWESOME!" Yes, that's you. You chose not to use protection (for whatever reason, maybe you wanted a kid, that's peaches, whatever) and you GOT PREGNANT. Congratulations. You're not a corpse!
I don't care that you're a parent, and I don't care that your life is infinitely more difficult than you perceive mine to be because you chose to have a child. Did it not remotely occur to you that your life might be a teensy bit different after the birth of your kid? Did it never, oh I don't know, cross the vast empty spaces in your mind that kids might be expensive, and messy, and time-consuming? Sure, they can also be delightful, and interesting, and fun (so I hear), but that's a side-effect of having a kid, whereas the primary effect is expense and stress.
Futher, I don't care how fucking adorable your teensy little humanoid is. I really, seriously, honestly, don't care. I don't want to see pictures. I don't want to hear stories (oh God, the stories!). YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO THINKS YOUR BABY'S SHIT IS INTERESTING AND/OR ADORABLE. Shut the fuck up. I don't care if he's getting potty trained and oh gosh it's so cute because he sings the entire time he's taking a shit and when he's done he runs around going "poo poo! poo poo! mommy, I made poo poo!" isn't that just precious? NO! It's disgusting! I don't want to hear about it! A basic rule would be that stories revolving around bowel movements aren't generally interesting or worthy of repeating.
I just... I don't know. So little Kaitelynne got a medal in gymnastics, and Presstonne just got his yellow belt in karate, and they are just such awesome little kids and your life is so enriched because of it. That's great, but I don't have kids - for a reason - and I certainly don't give a damn about your kids, so please just bugger off.
And put a fucking leash on those little fuckers.
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