I think that we can all identify with experiencing that wounded animal kind of pain; the kind that makes a person want to lash out against everyone around them, often in an attempt to inflict pain on others. Who hasn't suffered a broken heart, who hasn't felt the sting of betrayal and embarrassment? It's the latter that I believe truly drives a lust for vengeance. We've all been wronged, but it's when we're embarrassed, when we've suffered a slight that everyone witnessed, when we were cheated on by our significant other and everyone knew about it -- that is when we truly long for the soothing relief we believe revenge will bring.
Revenge can take many forms. On a good day, it might simply be deciding to do better than them. Fine, you left me. I can deal with that, I'll just get with someone more attractive/better off/well-liked than you were! I can do better! But, on a bad day (and we all have them), revenge can truly warp into some twisted behaviour. The problem is that we don't realise at the time just how bizarre and - quite frankly - shitty we're acting.
Last Sunday I went to a party at a club with Jes. I knew quite a few people there and among them were Mark, Cassie and Hailey. I'll try to summarize: basically Mark and Cassie were dating for several years when they met Hailey. They decided to bring her into their relationship and try the polyamory thing. This is a concept that seems simple enough but has an understandably high fail rate. Generally, what happens is that people start out in a non-poly relationship, then bring in a 3rd, making it a triad, and then after a shit-load of drama and awful circumstances, end up back in a non-poly relationship. The metaphor I use is that you're in your car, and you're going from point A to point B, but you want to get in as many car accidents as possible along the way. You end up at the same place but not after a lot of pain in-between. That is polyamory in my mind. People are more than welcome to give it a whirl if they'd like to, but I haven't seen any poly relationships last -- and I've known of quite a few.
So Mark and Cassie bring in Hailey and they're all three of them having a great time until something goes wrong (it always does), and from what I hear, Cassie starts acting like a huge insecure bitch to both Mark and Hailey. Relationship gets shitty, and Mark & Hailey drop Cassie like a bag of bricks. Into an ocean. Of piranhas. Cassie is, understandably upset. In a non-poly relationship, Cassie would be dealing with two things: 1) Losing Mark and 2) Losing Mark to Hailey. But, because it was poly, she's also dealing with 3) Losing Hailey and 4) Losing Hailey to Mark. You can see how it's a complex situation, yes?
I hadn't seen Cassie all night but I knew she was there. Mark and Hailey were doing what people in relationships do, I.E. PDAs. I left the party early, however (work in the morning and what-not) but on the way out I ran into Cassie. I was polite (although I am not taking sides), but she was nothing sort of venomous. Not towards me, mind you, but it was a kind of unrestrained rage that hit anyone in range. There was not a single word or phrase that came out of her mouth that wasn't laced with bitter acidity. Her very countenance had changed from the cheery-faced girl that I'd known. There seemed to be a darkness about her, and I could now understand why everyone in the club was avoiding her. She was just a shitty person to be around. There were no other topics of conversation aside from 1) Mark's a dick, 2) Hailey's a slut, and 3) she needed to get laid. She said the latter several times, even going so far as to state that she was going to "find someone to fuck" her. But no one would go near that kind of attitude. In addition to that, it seemed she was harassing the two of them, up to the point of creating a fake MySpace for Hailey and putting her real phone number on it (Hailey has since changed her number). I think what Cassie wanted was for everyone to see what Mark and Hailey's behaviour had done to her but - and I'm sorry, but - she's doing it to herself.
I think what really affected me was seeing someone in the same position I was not one year ago (sans the polyamory). I was that bitter, acrid person. But I was not vengeful, I had simply taken my own advice and decided that the person who hurt me was now effectively dead. He is just no longer alive. There is no reason for me to attempt to associate, nor negotiate some kind of friendship with him. It is over, said and done with. It wasn't the easiest decision to make because hell, it's hard to let go of someone you truly care(d) about -- but it is the best thing that you can do for yourself when the only emotion you can conjure up to their face is sheer rage and pain.
You have to let go. You have to move forward. Love is such a volatile emotion because it is carries just as much passion as hate does and when love goes wrong, that passion all transfers to hate. It is easy to fall into that pattern, to lust after vengeance and to continue to let that passion burn but it is so self-destructive. You have to let it go.
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