Massive Ass

I am exceptionally good at making a huge ass out of myself. It's not even by doing or saying ridiculous things. On the contrary, what will happen is that something I end up saying or doing ends up being unintentionally horribly offensive to whomever I'm speaking to. I stress unintentionally because when I am trying to be a dick that is all good and fine, but there have been so many instances where I've just said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person, or a situation where a simple mistake makes me look like the World's Biggest Asshole^® when I'm totally not TRYING to be an asshole. You want examples? O-kay.

^{Case #1 - Insulting the Dead Girl's Brother}

^{So back in the day when I went to church -- I know what you're thinking, it's a wonder the Lord allowed such a sinful deviant in the building, but whatever -- there was a girl that I was acquainted with named Emily. Now, Emily was a sweetheart; a genuinely nice person. Emily's brother, however, was not. Dude was a total dick. He was mean-spirited and an all-around jerk. He didn't go to church though, at least not most of the time. One Sunday happened to be his birthday and our youth advisor had brought cupcakes or something just in case he was there. he wasn't, but we enjoyed the cupcakes anyway. I bumped into Emily in the hallway after (she was older than me and so in a different class, and therefore did not get any delicious cupcakes). I said, "We celebrated your brother's birthday in class today, even though he's not here."}

^{She took a step back, mouth open, a look of shock on her face.}

^"What?"

^{"Your brother? The big jerk? We celebrated his birthday today in class." I repeated, raising an eyebrow.}

^{"Who... Who do you think I am?" she stammered.}

^{I was completely confused at this point.
"You're Emily. Emily Johnson."}

^{"No. My name's Jennifer, and my brother died a year ago this week." she got the last part out as her voice cracked, tears rushed to her eyes and she fled the scene.}

^{You just can't recover from that. You can't apologize for that. I didn't know it wasn't Emily, she looked EXACTLY like Emily (seriously, they could have been twins, and I'd never met this girl before). So let's review the facts, here:}

It was during the week of the 1-year-anniversary of her brother's death.

I referenced how her dead brother was "not here."

I called her dead brother a "big jerk."

This was all unintentional. I had no intention of hurting anyone and in fact Emily and I had often talked and joked about what an ass her brother was. This was not Emily. This was Jennifer. Jennifer's brother is dead. Way to go, assface.

Case #2 - If Jesus Was Standing There

Speaking of religion and religious people, at one point in time I worked at Applebee's with a girl whose name I think was Kara. Kara was what I'll refer to as a "true Christian." Kara was kind to everyone, did not judge, always seemed to be happy and was in general a real pleasure to be around and work with. She did unto others, she was sweet, helpful and just all around a good person -- she was not at all hypocritical. I have LOADS of respect for that. She is following and living her faith. A living, breathing example of what the word "Christian" is supposed to mean. Loads of respect.

So, around Kara I tried to stifle my inherent misanthropy because, unlike most humanoids, she was not deserving of my ire. And actually, everyone did that around her. I don't want to say we used "kid gloves" because it wasn't a condescending sort of thing, it was just that we all respected her enough to mind our mouths around her and if you've ever worked in the food industry, you know that's quite a feat.

One day the boys were joking around in the back and sort of talking shit when I came into the kitchen. I joined in and one made a mean comment at me (all in jest). I don't remember what the comment was, but my reply to him was a flippant"Don't worry, I forgive ya." This was said just as Kara walked into the kitchen. She smiled and said, "That's great! That's what Jesus would do." with a huge smile on her face.

I know. I KNOW what you're thinking but shut the fuck up. She was being genuine, okay? Loads of respect. I'm being serious.

Anyway, we all went about our business and everything was hunky-dory. Fast-forward to the dinner rush. Tables are full, people are waiting to be seated and it's all rushrushrush. I should interject here that I was a terrible waitress. I have the memory of a fucking goldfish, so my service was tremendously bad. Someone would ask me for mayonnaise, or something, and on the way back to the kitchen I'd be like "mayonnaise, mayonnaise, mayonnaise" so that I wouldn't forget, but then someone would ask me for a tea or something and I'd be like "tea, tea, tea" and completely forget about the mayonnaise. Because of this deficiency, I was CONSTANTLY rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off and simultaneously apologizing because I'd forgotten someone's something. I did not wait tables for long, believe me.

Anyway, another set-back was that we only had one soda fountain, so if you needed drinks for your table and someone was currently getting drinks for their table, you'd have to wait. And we were busy, so busy. I was pushing hard because you just get the WORST tips when you're a bad waitress, but that's pretty much all you get, so I'm rushing around like a madwoman trying to get everything. I had a drink order that had to be filled, but Kara was carefully filling her drinks in front of me, setting them on the tray next to her. She must've had a full table, too, because she had several sodas to make.

I want to explain that I don't have to go out of my way to be mean, but rather, I have to go out of my way to be nice. I'm just naturally set to "mean-spirited," and if I'm not paying attention to what I'm saying, mean shit will come out. It's tiresome to constantly have to censor myself so normally I don't do it. I guess what I'm trying to explain is that my default setting kicks in when I'm on autopilot, which I most certainly was at that point in time.

My mouth opened and before I could stop it, the words tumbled out...

"If Jesus was standing there, he'd move."

Oh yes. Yes I did. I said it.

She turned on one heel, her eyes wide open, clearly offended. Her face darkened and she said, coldly, "You have no right to belittle my faith."

And she was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I had no right! No right at all! I sputtered an apology, clearly humbled, but really... What a shitty thing to do. I will add, however, that my friends think this was hilarious and it's one of their favourite stories.

Case #3 - The Lame Foot Drag

This one's old. I know there are more recent examples (probably even more offensive ones), but I can't think of them so I'll toss this one in 'cuz it's quick and easy. I don't like shopping and I've never liked shopping, but at one point when I was a teen some friends managed to drag me to the mall. The mall is a soulless place that robs people of their humanity, and I can't stand being there. As if just BEING THERE wasn't bad enough, they insisted on fucking SHOPPING, too (just shoot me now) for hours on end. I was being drug from store to store, asked opinions about clothes and shoes and bags that I don't give a fuck about and did I mention I have no fashion sense, either? I was getting tired of being at the fucking mall.

My friends were walking ahead of me and turned to tell me to hurry up. Out of rebellion, I dropped my left leg behind me and made it go limp, dragging it behind me as I "walked" towards them, looking like I had some serious physical deformity or handicap. We round the corner and I'm REALLY playing it up, my foot dragging behind me like a piece of meat. Just as we turn that corner I spot a dude who is way too young to have arthritis struggling to walk using a walker. I imagine he had some horrible injury or was in some terrible accident, or, perhaps even had been injured in the war. We locked eyes as I was mid-drag... I froze up, stood up straight, and walked normally just past him. I am certain he thought I was mocking him and had been busted doing so. I felt terrible about it. My friend said I should have just gone with it and kept dragging my leg behind me, but I hadn't thought of that. Once again, I'm an asshole.

I'm the one who will make a cancer joke to someone who's VERY RECENTLY lost a loved one to cancer -- without me even knowing that'd happened to them. I'll say something like, "Yeah, if I had kids, I'd beat them!" to someone who (unbeknownst to me) had been a victim of horrible child abuse growing up. I'll be fooling around at the lake and pretend I'm drowning in front of a mother who's child drowned or something. AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.

It's a talent, I tell ya. Pure talent.